randomrabbit's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Maybe she�s Muslim and was parking towards Mecca Dear customer We recently put prices up by 35% but here are 4 free energy saving light bulbs worth nearly �2. Use them to replace traditional bulbs in lights and lamps if you want things to look a bit dim. If like many you can no longer afford to heat your home they can also be huddled round for warmth, and likewise the dust that gathers on the surface can be licked off if food is now a luxury. Yours sincerely British Gas I paraphrase a little. Work lately has just been the bit of the day spent between being damp, but hurrah I was moistened not one jot this morning. Remember that sun thing? Yeah that was good. It is pissing down like a twat now though just in time for my walk home, you know, if you wanted a weather update. I was going to have a little moan about Chris since I�m in a pissy mood and winging looks like it might be the theme of this entry but all I can seem to muster on the subject is: Cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt� repeated indefinitely. And that seems a tad childish. He is though, essentially, a twat, and it�s hard to convey to you just how much of a twat he is in a medium other than black crayon and a large quantity of my own blood. I�d like him to leave but since it�s rented in both our names I don�t really have a say. I could always make it really unpleasant for him to stay there I suppose, maybe by subjecting him to random acts of buggery about the place in the hope he gets a bit bored of that and chooses to go himself. One of the mechanics downstairs just offered me some cheap Viagra. Well no thank you I wouldn�t like cheap Viagra for two very good reasons. I was going to do the whole what do you know/who you been talking to/it happened once and I�d been drinking thing but decided instead that I couldn�t be arsed as I�d have to somehow give off the pretence of someone who actually has sex once in a while which I didn�t think I�d be able to pull off. He must have known I�d be a long shot. And anyway if I did want some I�m hardly going to put my penis, flaccid or otherwise, in the hands of the shit who sold me that set of blunt carving knives. Who knows what I�d be swallowing. He�s a pikey, at the very least I expected them to have been nicked from Argos, but no they were just rubbish and didn�t so much cut things as squash them. They were in a briefcase for fuck�s sake. And speaking of chickens, which clearly I wasn�t but as I�m bored scrotumless and don�t seem capable of doing any actual work I need to pass the time somehow. I do seem to be growing rather fond of the little buggers despite their immense stupidity. Or maybe because of � it is rather endearing in an awww bless (you little fucking wankers) sort of way when they throw all the bedding out of their nest box the second you fill it up, eat the contents of their dust bath, shit in their food and steadfastly refuse to lay me an egg. They have become a lot less timid around me now as I think they see me as a big cock, which is quite sweet when they all start following me around. I�m the henperor. That�s clever, do you see? I�m hoping their failure to lay is down to their age and not that they�re defective or fellas. They�re going through chicken puberty at the moment, but instead of getting hair in interesting places � mostly my back it has to be said � they�re getting those pink punk things on their heads and facial labia so fingers crossed ovulations are imminent, and then I can get to work on massively increasing my cholesterol. And speaking of babies, which� meh, bollocks. Mark�s is arriving right about now. That isn�t a premonition it�s the time they�re booked in for a caesarean. He�s going to phone and tell me what it is but I already know it�s a girl. His first one was a girl and as well as being the spitting image of her mum she already bosses him around just like her so it�s too good a chance for the fates to pass up to have three of the buggers giving him earache for the next 18 years. I can just imagine going in a few years time and hearing three shrill cries of �make sure he takes his shoes off� instead of the usual one and then all three buzzing round me wielding those little hand held vacuum things in case an errant crumb happens to stumble on to the settee. She does make you terrified to eat there. When we did the walk Mark�s gran made us a hearty stew to send us on our way with and while we ate it his wife was vacuuming round where we were sitting. It�s a fucking liquid you stupid bitch how can we possibly drop any bits? She makes him wear two pairs of slippers in the house � one to take him from the back door across the laminated kitchen floor and then another pair to wear on carpeted areas. He hasn�t been able to explain to my full satisfaction why this needs to be the case. Fuck this is thrilling.
Ha twas a girl. He's fucked. And he owes me 50p. 4:19 p.m. - 2008-08-21 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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